It doesn't have to be the end of your sexual life...
Hi! I am a 24-year-old single female. I recently found out that I have genital herpes. The doctor cannot tell me when I was infected or how long I've had it. I don't sleep around, so I am furious with myself for not being extra careful. I feel very uncomfortable and I haven't told anyone else except a recent ex-boyfriend. I realize that not everyone is knowledgeable about this vurus. How can I explore new sexual relationships knowing I have this virus? When is the best time to tell somebody I’m dating about my problem?
Sounds familiar?
You are not alone! The Centers for Disease Control reports that one in five Americans are infected with the herpes virus. Because of the infectious nature of this virus, it can leave you feeling desolate and alone. We all know the pressure of a first date: Searching for that perfect outfit, searching in your mind for different ways to be engaging. People with confessions to make would naturally feel tense and nervous, more nervous if their love interest is a non-carrier.
Counselors and relationship experts however recommend that disclosures about sexual transmitted infections or histories of addiction should match the relationship level. Some things don't have to be shared right away. For instance, if Mary has herpes and she’s still in the early phases of her relationship with Mike and there has been no sexual contact, she need not rush into a confession.
However if the relationship has begun to pick up pace and appears to be moving to the next level of intimacy, its obligatory, and responsible to let a mate know about your condition and ensure that you too are taking adequate precautions to minimize the risk of transmission. Perhaps a visit to the doctor in the company of your partner can seal a relationship and help the other person decide whether he/she wants to remain in the relationship, or not. If the decision is ‘no’, the least you can do is respect and decision and not hold it against the person. He/she has the right to make his/her own choices, just as you are entitled to live your life, the way you wish to!
Sometimes, just knowing that there are other people in the same boat can be very comforting, so it’s important to be part of dating clubs, where you can trade information and learn from other peoples’ sexual histories and experiences. There you might learn that although lots of couples enjoy oral sex, as a carrier of herpes, you have to be extra careful with cold sores. If you have a cold sore on your lip you can pass it on to your partner during kissing. If you give your partner oral sex then you can give them genital herpes. Although the virus is pretty harmless, it's best not to pass it on. If a cold sore appears, perhaps it's a night to stay in and wash your hair.
Obviously, waiting until you are in bed together is not the appropriate time for this kind of disclosure, so keep looking for a good time to bring up the sensitive subject. Educating the person you are with about the virus and how he/she can protect his/herself is important. There are those who will accept you, and others who won't. But it is important that you accept yourself and know that you are a good person, and not damaged goods.
Inquiring about your mate's sexual health is definitely your business, especially if you decide to have an intimate relationship with him, or her. However, remember that not many people will be open and honest about at-risk behavior, so it's always best to protect yourself. There are support groups and dating circles for people with herpes. You will eventually find someone who can see the beautiful person you are despite your condition. Finally, if you want your partner to be tested for every sexually transmitted infection/disease in the book, you must be equally happy and willing to undergo the same tests yourself.
